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What you say to another human being and what they say to you has the most profound effect on you both. It really does matter what we say to each other - and how we say it.
A conversation when we felt emotionally connected to another human being. A conversation which gave us both a deeper understanding of each other. A conversation when we felt totally in tune, totally in harmony, totally safe. We knew we were both being heard. Whether we were the speaker or the listener, we engaged in an exchange of thoughts and emotions. If we were doing the talking, we said thought by thought what was in our mind. Our friend echoed our every word and tone under their breath.
Silently listening by saying it with us. Not just understood, but felt the feeling in our words. We both experienced what we said at the same moment.
"Casualty" It's Good to Talk (TV Episode 1998) - IMDb
Both joined through the breath to the thought and to the emotion. When we completed the cycle of thoughts, we both reviewed them as a whole. And in that moment, as we both breathed, we decided between us who was to carry on talking.
We stayed in step with each other, as if only one person was doing the talking. Sitting or standing the same way.
Counselling and psychotherapy | BACP It's Good to Talk
Moving and breathing together. Even if we were doing all the talking, our friend was always part of the process. Neither of us owned the conversation. It belonged to us both. With our true friends we feel as though we could tell them anything and still remain safe in their friendship. It makes us feel good, it makes us feel well. It makes us feel safe! But what about when we meet someone for the first time?
Every new person a new possibility. Even before the other person speaks, their very presence has an immediate effect on us. Whose going to make the first move? Whose going to disclose a part of themselves, to let the other person feel safer? Which bit will be opened up to scrutiny and by whom?
What do they want from me?
It's Good To Talk...
Who are they really? Is it safe to tell them who I really am? Will it help me survive? Will you help them climb their ladder of success?
Yet we can all see and hear through their mask, right through to their fear. If we really look, if we really listen. Neither is really talking, neither is really listening. If we felt safe enough to drop the mask and talk and listen as the person we really are, instead of remaining in emotional turmoil, living an imitation of real life.
Why are we so terrified to talk openly and honestly without fear?
For the first few years of our lives the adults around us thrilled as we developed the ability to talk. They clapped their hands in glee, as we started to make more and more sense of the language we were learning.
And then all too soon it starts to go horribly wrong. Instead of smiles of joy we get: What did it feel like, say, when you were four or five or six or seven? Maybe what was said or done to you was worse, even more cruel, even more unkind and destructive to your confidence, to your belief that you have a right to be heard.
How did you deal with the feelings of confusion and hurt? How did you decide how to cope in the future?
Their ability to talk openly and honestly without fear has been crushed with words. Not just words, but the way they were used as weapons to wound. We all get over it. The young man, desperately trying to be cool, but his terrified eyes always give him away. All of us are trying to cover up past pain. Trying to keep it hidden from prying eyes. But it leaks out every time we open our mouths. We exchange at best pointless pleasant platitudes. Talking has become for the most part a necessary function to achieve our needs in order to survive.
An empty experience that diminishes us all. And we talk and listen from behind a public mask that hides our private pain.
Yet from behind that mask, most of us, most of the time, are searching and longing to hear something that reassures us that we belong, that we are included, that we are part of the whole, part of the community we live in and that our voice is truly being heard. Talking is always emotional - always personal. You have a choice.
If you want to stay trapped in a vocal time warp, continue to convince yourselves as others do, that emotion is not very professional. That you as a person are irrelevant. Continue to believe that the mask works. What if you want to be released from the confines created in your childhood? Know that you have the potential to form that future, by what you say and how you say it. Begin to talk and listen openly and honestly without fear.