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Relationships end because of jealous conflicts and people kill other people because they are jealous. You are at a party and someone is friendly and you smile. Your partner thinks that you are betraying her. Or your partner tells you a funny story about a former lover and you feel threatened.
Susan could identify with this. She hoped he would get the message. At times she would withdraw into pouting, hoping to punish him for showing an interest in someone else.
He just felt confused. At other times Susan would ask him if she still found her attractive. Was he getting bored with her?
Jealousy Is a Killer: How to Break Free from Your Jealousy | Psychology Today
Was she his type? At first, he would reassure her, but then—with repeated demands for her for more reassurance—he began to wonder why she felt so insecure. But, if you are jealous, does this mean that there is something terribly wrong with you? My colleague, Dennis Tirch, and I just published a paper on jealousy—and how to handle it. Click here to get a copy of the article that appeared in the International Journal of Cognitive Therapy. We describe a step-by-step approach to helping people cope with their jealousy.
Jealousy is angry agitated worry. When we are jealous we worry that our partner might find someone else more appealing and we fear that he or she will reject us. Since we feel threatened that our partner might find someone more attractive, we may activate jealousy as a way to cope with this threat. We may believe that our jealousy may keep us from being surprised, help us defend our rights, and force our partner to give up interests elsewhere. We view jealousy as a coping strategy.
Similar to other forms of worry, jealousy leads us to focus only on the negative. People have different reasons—in different cultures—for being jealous. But jealousy is a universal emotion. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss in The Dangerous Passion makes a good case that jealousy has evolved as a mechanism to defend our interests.
After all, our ancestors who drove off competitors were more likely to have their genes survive. Indeed, intruding males whether among lions or humans have been known to kill off the infants or children of the displaced male.
Jealousy was a way in which vital interests could be defended. We believe that it is important to normalize jealousy as an emotion. In fact, jealousy—in some cases—may reflect high self-esteem: We view jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. In fact, jealousy may actually reflect your higher values of commitment, monogamy, love , honesty, and sincerity. You may feel jealous because you want a monogamous relationship and you fear that you will lose what is valuable to you.
We find it helpful to validate these values in our patients who are jealous. But it is also based on choices that two free people make. If your partner freely chooses to go off with someone else, then you may rest assured that you have good reasons to feel jealous.
But if your higher values are based on honesty, commitment and monogamy, your jealousy may jeopardize the relationship.
You are in a bind. Jealous feelings are different from jealous behaviors Just as there is a difference between feeling angry and acting in a hostile way, there is a difference between feeling jealous and acting on your jealousy. But you have a choice of whether you act on it. What choice will be in your interest? Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly, and observe your thoughts and feelings.
Thinking and reality are different. Notice that your feeling of anger and anxiety may increase while you stand back and observe these experiences. Accept that you can have an emotion—and allow it to be. Recognize that uncertainty is part of every relationship Like many worries, jealousy seeks certainty. But if you accuse, demand and punish, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Examine your assumptions about relationships Your jealousy may be fueled by unrealistic ideas about relationships. These may include beliefs that past relationships that your partner had are a threat to your relationship. Or you may have problematic beliefs about how to feel more secure.
For example, you may believe that you can force your partner to love you—or force him or her to lose interest in someone else.
You may believe that withdrawing and pouting will send a message to your partner—and lead him to try to get closer to you.
But withdrawing may lead your partner to lose interest. Sometimes your assumptions about relationships are affected by your childhood experiences or past intimate relationships. If your parents had a difficult divorce because your father left your mother for someone else, you may be more prone to believe that his may happen to you. Or you may have been betrayed in a recent relationship and you now think that your current relationship will be a replay of this.
Bless This House Series 3, Episode 11 - I'm Not Jealous, I'll Kill Him - British Comedy Guide
You may also believe that you have little to offer—who would want to be with you? If your jealousy is based on this belief, then you might examine the evidence for and against this idea.
For example, one woman thought she had little to offer. But when I asked her what she would want in an ideal partner— intelligence , warmth, emotional closeness, creativity , fun, lots of interests—she realized that she was describing herself!
If she were so undesirable, then why would she see herself as an ideal partner? You can use more effective behavior. Practicing effective relationship behaviors is often a much better alternative. For more information about how to improve your relationship, click here.
Below is an outline from the Leahy and Tirch article on the nature of jealousy.